Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.