“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
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*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*