me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
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You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Webb. James Webb.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.