If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
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I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
My love language is deader than Latin
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”