Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
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The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.