Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
i wish we could shoplift online
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
me
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Not messing around