The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
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As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I falcon love using swear birds
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
This kid is going places
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.