I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
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fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
no refunds
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
What a chick magnet..
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”