Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
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ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I hate when that happens.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :