Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
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They say women only use 10% of their anger
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.