NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
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If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
japanese corn
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.