Boom, boom, ching!
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The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.