exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
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Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
My birthstone is a marshmallow
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child