Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
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channeling her this year
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
getting old is fun
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Only Americans understand
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
The Friday File.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.