The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
You Might Also Like
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I cannot call her anything else now
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro