i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
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magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
ACED my prostate exam!
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.