My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
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Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified