I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
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I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
marvel comics have peaked
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call