I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
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*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach