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[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct