It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
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Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle