Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
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Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
do horses think humans are hats
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.