Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!