Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
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Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did