My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
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Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Yeah. This was me today.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
never forget
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.