I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
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wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Beauty and the Beast
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
who wore it better?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.