Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
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The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
*seductively corrects your posture*
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy