I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
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If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”