When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or