ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
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Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
WTF IS THAT!
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?