What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
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People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?