My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
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If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”