I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
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Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”