When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
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The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
when u come home smelling like another dog
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I occasionally drink every single night.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Happy Febuary everyone!
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.