Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
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“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?