The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
#polloftheday
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys