Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
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Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Kermit goes Blue.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy