dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
the icebreaker
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.