You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
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You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming