Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
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Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
then why did i get this email
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids