I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
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I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
School be like
This 4th of July, please remember…
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Jogging
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
HERE’S MARKY
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff