choose your gary
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my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*