Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
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This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
umm…
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.