I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
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“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I’m calling the cops.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Doggies just call it style.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
My beach vacation Google searches
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]