WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
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my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.