*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
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When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.