Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
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trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
me refusing to leave twitter
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
bad news gang
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.