F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
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[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.