Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
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All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan