I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
You Might Also Like
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Boom, boom, ching!
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.